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Friday, 3 August 2018

15 Think I Learn When I Become a Mother

15 Think I Learn When I Become a Mother


1. You will develop an inexplicable tolerance to your own baby's vomit, poo and snot to the point where you can deal with them without so much as a grimace, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES must you assume this extends to all children. As soon as you are presented with any of the above that dose not come from your offspring, you will dry heave, panic and fight the urge to lock yourself in a bathroom.


2. In the first few days of bringing your child home, you might forget you have one. I put mine in his car sear, locked the house and drove around the block before i realized i would left him on the kitchen floor. This dose not make you a bad parent, it makes you human.


3. While losing the baby weight is hard, keeping it off damn-near impossible, especially since stopping breastfeeding usually coincides with copious amounts of leftover Mac'n Cheese needing to be eaten.


4. At some Stage, you will catch sight of one of your 'pre-baby' bras and feel the need to compare it with your nursing bra. Fight the  urge to do this position on the kitchen floor crying into a bag of goldfish.


5. Toddlers give you unconditional love, but it comes wrapped in the prickly package of unconditional trust. Why is your belly so floppy? is a common question that will make you want to recreate lesson 2 for a longer period of time.


6. The term 'All-Nighter' will not longer conjure up image of dancing, drinking, lost of mascara and wild parties, instead, It will mean sweats, a weird kind of loneliness where you are sure you are the only other person awake and watching the same episode of 'Caillou' about 17 times in a row.


7. At some point, you will pretend you are sleep when you near your baby cry, hoping you partner will get up first. Don't feel too bad - he'll/she'll do it to you too.


8. Some Other Mothers will insist on telling you (in a way they assume is subtle) how their baby is a better sleeper, a better eater, batter behaved and more developed than yours. Ignore comments like these, and cling like velcro to the women who are honest with you about their fears and worries as well as their joys. Be honest in return - it's good for the collective mental health of mothers everywhere.


9. Weekends cease to exist. You will hear about them, people will tell you what they are doing on them, you will read a million 'TGIF' status updates on facebook, but you would not remember that feeling of excitement you used to get on a Friday afternoon.


10. You will feel about your newborn baby the way you felt about the first high-school crush you ever had, times a million. Incidentally you will babble about your baby in much the same way as you did about your high school love.


11. You will begin calling wine 'Mom Juice' and you will, on occasion, need to suck it back like the Cookie Monster dose cookies. Do what you gotta do!


12. Hemorrhoids are a real thing the are to be feared.

13. During your pregnancy complete strangers will feel it is appropriate to approach you without your permission and touch your belly. Here's a tip for all you torso-touching enthusiasts out there. If you would not touch a non-regnant stranger's belly, don't touch a pregnant one! And if you would touch a non-pregnant stranger's belly, register yourself with the local police. Weirdo.


14. As much as you may try to hold out, don't be too stubborn resisthig maternity pants. Guaranteed, when you finally succumb to their sweet stretchy embrace you will mourn those months you struggled through in normal pants.


15. Motherhood is more worth it than you ever could Imagine and you will be shocked on a daily basis one tiny, dirty and frequently poop-covered little human can wedge its way so firmly and joyously into your heart forever.


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